FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
