i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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