I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
