The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm passing your future prison.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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