we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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