took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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