I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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