She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Randomize
