I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
