Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
