He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
