I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
