Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
