Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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