I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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