drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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