Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
