Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
