Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
