i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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