omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Randomize
