I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
