Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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