You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
