my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
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