I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
