He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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