I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
