I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
