so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
that is very illegal...i love you.
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