he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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