Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I have aggressive nipples.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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