I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
