I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
