How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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