You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
