I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
