in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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