He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
