Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
