i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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