You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize