I think I died a long time ago.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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