I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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