I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
