Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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