Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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