Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
