I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My legs feel like baby dolphins
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
