She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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