I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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