I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
