Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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