Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Randomize
