the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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