Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
