well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
