remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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