the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
