I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
