If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
