my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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