never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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