omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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